Confessions from a Former "Grades Driven" Helicopter Parent

Our school has a student information system (SIS) that allows parents to receive notifications via email for a variety of things: grades, missing assignments, etc. Being what I thought was a diligent parent I signed up to receive emails when an assignment was missing and weekly grade updates for both my girls when they attended CCS. My thought was "Wonderful! Now I can make sure my girls are towing the educational line."

For years, I would greet them with a "Hello! How was your day? Why did you not turn you assignment in during Science today?" If your familiar with the Seinfeld episode about the "Soup Nazi," I was definitely the "Grades Nazi." As somewhat of an overachiever myself AND an educator I would find myself at a boiling point when a "bad grade" got placed in the grade book for either of my children. Sadly, I must confess that as an educator at their school I often let my pride get in the way and was even embarrassed when they didn't try. I told you in the title this is a confessions blog!

Year after year I found my relationships with my daughters becoming more and more strained- especially with my oldest. Grades weren't the only reason but I allowed them to be a key impact point of conflict on a weekly basis. I always had high expectations academically for my girls and I wasn't afraid to let them know that; until my oldest daughter was a junior and my youngest was in ninth grade. On a day of complete exasperation I sat down with my husband and said, "I can't do this anymore. It's ruining my relationship with my girls and I am stressed all the time!" At this point my husband, whose philosophy in college was "C's get degrees" took over. Just like the savvy business man he is, he immediately changed the expectations. He placed the onus of reporting on the girls. Even though he was still getting all the emails, he expected them to send their grades to him each week. It was a non-negotiable. When they sent them on Saturday or Sunday he would look at them and sometimes ask them questions about them, and he would explain his continued expectations.

Washing my hands of the daily notifications and stress was both freeing and scary! What if they quit trying? What if they didn't get into a good college? What if...? And then my oldest took the ACT and I did a little "whew," she then got into the college she wanted to go to and I did a "woohoo," and last December she graduated early from college with a degree. From an educator's view I wasn't even sure she would make it through college based on her high school grades at times. But that's when the revelation hit me...you're only given your kids for a season! Yes it is your job to help them be the best they can be but sometimes, we as parents, sweat the small stuff in the big scheme of life.

I always tell my oldest I'm sorry because we were learning on her. There is definitely a bit of continued tension about that in her and I hope as the years go by I can overcome that and she can see me for what I was...a first time mom muddling through parenthood to the best of my ability! I think back to when I was in k-12 schooling. My parents received a progress report and then a report card. They had no idea what my grades were like except for 2 grades in a semester. My sister and I survived! In fact, I would say we are both fairly well adjusted and responsible adults.

I share all this because there are about to be some changes in the way we will be sharing grades at our school for next year. In one sense it gives the parents more information because they can be observers within the course in our learning management system (LMS) but they will no longer be able to sign up for email notifications. The notifications go to the students. The parents can download the Canvas Parent App and look anytime they want, but they won't get that email 20 minutes before the kid gets in the car like I did in the past (or so it seemed to my children everyday).

I suspect we will have some upset parents over this. I suspect we will have some parents that it won't impact at all...but from a former "Grades Driven Helicopter Parent" my prayer is that families will be able to find a system for themselves regarding grades that helps them balance their need to know with their need to be a caring parent. I wish I had done it sooner. Just because you can know information doesn't mean you always need to know. (Honestly I can't believe I even typed that, but I do mean it now.) I do know every kid is different and each student has to be treated differently to grow them into responsible adults, but looking back now as a "seasoned parent" I wish I had not spent so much time talking about grades while my kids were under my roof. Oh, and my second daughter...she's thriving in college right now....just ask her. I now know there is a fine line between accountability and responsibility that parents need to be hyper vigilant about.

Why Being Average Is So Hard

"At the end of the school year my heart saddens for the average kid. The kid who didn't receive the plethora of accolades that others hauled home from end-of-the-year ceremonies. Not because the ones who received the awards weren't worthy of the award, but that there are a ton of kids out there giving it all they've got for the low B or the high C. Ah, those trophies and treasures. My prayer is that we all teach that those are the shiny things that are of greatest value living there on our insides. Character, commitment & excellence. Yes, everyone can excel in these three. May we all look to find these in each face we teach and parent." - Meghan Casey Cobble.

This blog post started with the above post my friend Meghan had on Facebook, but the sentiments could have been written by me. These are thoughts I deal with on a weekly basis. How best can we meet the needs of the average child and help them to see their worth and value? I've blogged around the idea before, today I will blog it headlong.

Schools spend extra time and money trying to meet the needs of student learning in the extremes- in fact, they are required by law to meet those students needs of the low achievers and the high achievers- therefore, the accountability of laws make states, administration, service staff, and teachers focus on these students. This is important, I am not saying that it isn't. Schools also spend funds trying to help students find their niche that isn't maybe "rigorously academic-based." For instance- the athlete, the actor, the singer, the artist, all have self confidence, much like the student that excels in learning due to the fact they have found something that pulls them out of the mundane of everyone else.

The average child that is not plugged in and the lower-level learners don't have this confidence thing going on. Yet that lower-level learner tends to have more one-on-one instruction/mentoring time to offset this issue. Connections matter! But what about the average child? How can we help them to feel confident and valued? My heart aches in this because there were times I was that kid. I was borderline average/above average most of my school career but the thing that kept me going was that I truly loved learning and had a knack for writing.

I have two children of my own that fall into that "average" ranking that don't necessarily love learning as a rule. Learning is hard for them at times. Frustrations are high for them at times. Successes are measured differently for them than for some students. There have been times I have definitely been guilty of pushing them too hard- as an educator and a mom. The truth is, there are times I've been disappointed as an educator and a mom- not just disappointed in their grades but in my inability to help them see their worth outside of their grades. I'll be honest, I probably own the angst of this more than the typical "mom educator" should.

How do I, as a mom, encourage them to be their best without smothering them or pressuring them? How do I, as an educator, see students like them and help them see their positive attributes to this world? It is a struggle for me, I will not lie, and I don't think I am alone. Average kids fly under the radar so much of the time- sometimes we don't know if they are meeting their potential or if they are skating on the "good enough" rink they have been placed.

Here is what I know- these are the kids that look back at high school and don't have a lot of fond memories. These are the kids that think there has to be an easier path, a better fit, nicer people, at the school down the road. These are the kids we often let down because they are either "easy," or because we perceive they just don't care so we don't seek to engage them. BUT these are the kids I'm passionate about- the kids I want to figure out better ways to reach. I'm open to suggestions and ideas, I'm willing to take the blame for my part, I want to help be a change agent in this area. Maybe it's because I was a "fall between the cracks" student that it makes me want to work hard to cause a culture change. Anyone with me?